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This page was created on: March 12 , 2006
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Rectum Stretcher?

While I was "flying" down the road yesterday, I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop stammered, "A what ?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS



I’m No Baker..

Before my Ex and I divorced. I asked him to do a few things around the house.

I asked him to fix the light in the hall.
His reply was…“What! Do I have GE tattooed on my forehead ?”

I asked him to fix the door on the refrigerator.
Once again, His reply was… “What! Do I have Frigidaire tattooed on my forehead ?”

I asked if he could at least fix the damn dead bolt on the front door.
His Reply this time was. “ Do I look like I have  Fix-a-Lock tattooed on my forehead? I'm going to the bar.”

When he got home from the bar. The light in the hall was fixed, the refrigerator door was repaired and the front door dead bolt now worked. He asked how it all got fixed.

I told him that I was so upset about his bullshit ways that I was sitting on the front porch crying.

A young handsome man came up and asked what was wrong. So I told him. He said he would fix everything. I had my choice. I could pay him with Wild Fantastic SEX. Or bake him a cake.

My Ex asked me what type of cake I baked him.
My reply was…………..

“What!... Do I Look Like I Have Betty Crocker Tattooed On My Forehead?”




Damn Yankees!

I  was having breakfast of coffee, grits, biscuits, gravy, sausage and jam when a Northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sat down next to me.

I ignored the Northerner who, nevertheless, started a conversation with me.

Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"

Miss36dd: "Yep."

Northerner: "We don't. (After blowing a huge bubble) 

Up north, we only eat what's on the inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."

The Northerner has a smirk on his face. I listened in silence.

The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"

Miss36dd: "Yep."

Northerner: "We don't. (Cracking and smacking his gum and chuckling) 

Up North, after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and then send it down South."

Now it was my turn.

Miss36dd: "Do ya'll have sex, up North?"

Northerner: "Why, of course, we do." And, he pops another big bubble.

Miss36dd: "And what do ya'll do with the condoms once ya'll use'um?"

Northerner: "We throw them away, of course."

Miss36dd: "We don't.
Down South here, we put 'em in a pot, melt 'em down into bubble gum, and sell 'em up north to you Yankees."


Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention .....the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.

Ford thinks about it, and says, I want to hang out with God Himself.

So, St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?

God asks, What do you mean?

Well, says Ford, you have some major flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.

3. Maintenance is extremely high.

4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.

5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.

6. The rear end wobbles too much.

7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

8. The headlights are usually too small.

9. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few.

Hmmm......, replies God, hold on a minute. God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!


Men are like...

Men are like... place mats.  They only show up when there's food
on the table.

Men are like... mascara.  They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets.  Handy in an emergency, but
otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... government bonds.  They take so long to mature.

Men are like... parking spots.  All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers.  You need them for reproduction, but
that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps.  Fun to look at, but not all that
bright.

Men are like... bank accounts.  Without a lot of money, they don't
generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels.  They're easy to walk on once you get
the hang of it.

Men are like... miniskirts.  If you're not careful, they'll creep
up your legs.


Why Men Have It Better....
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
6. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
7. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
8. Chocolate is just another snack.
9. You can be President.
10. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
11. Foreplay is optional.
12. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
13. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
14. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
15. The world is your urinal.
16. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
17. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's 'just too icky'.
18. Same work... more pay.
19. Wrinkles add character.
20. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
21. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
22. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
23. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
24. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
25. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
26. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
27. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
28. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
29. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"
30. One mood, all the time.


I am a White Female
I am married.
I am a True Blonde and not dumb.
I am Green eyed and not a jealous person.
My figure is petite and I love to work out.
I have been told that I am not hard to look at.
I do not drink or smoke.
My real name is Dee D. 
My nick name Miss36dd came from the truck I drove . It was #36 and was a Diesel Dooley. Being in the SOUTH it is customary to add a Miss to (?older ladies?) name

  I deliver exotic cars for dealers all over the United States. I drive a Ford Diesel Dooley. I love driving. 

  I am not shy or timid. I have been known to give a HOOTER shot to the truckers. If I want something I ask. I don't steal and try not to lie much. I can cuss, spit, fight, wrastle and fling horse shoes as good as most men. But I clean up real nice. I was raised with 6 brothers and have 5 brother in laws. My husband owns a large  Repo/Recovery company and I had to get tough skinned. I had to deal with the MAD SOB's that lost their property

I started my pages to relieve the stress of having to deal with all the Dik Heds that were pissed off.  I have had a web page for 3 1/2 years. I have no idea what I am doing, I just do it. Homestead makes it easy. I push buttons and scoot things around. If I like it I push the publish button. I have been doing flash for 3 years.  This webmaster'n stuff ain't so hard. I use Sothink SWF Quicker to make the Flash cartoons. I am proof that a Blonde can do something.

This site is for others to have fun and enjoy.

This page is for me. I can say what I want to here. I can post what I want here. There are no rules for me on this page. If you do not like that. Turn your ignorant Ass around and hit the web.

There is no telling what I will do or what I will say next. If you pissed me off. I will vent it here. If you don't like it. Sue Me! I bet you never show up for court. If you want to say something here. Send it to me. I may post it.

  I do not make a fortune or even a living off this site. All the links are here for free except the google and clicksor banners. They add up to about $0.85 a day between all of them. Visitors have to click them for them to work. ( That's like pulling chicken teeth) I pay for the bandwidth out of my pocket. I do most of the work myself, and love every minute of it. I get to make my own World here. Things do what I say to do.  I get to say what color something is. If you like this site, E-mail me and say so.

  My home is in Memphis TN when I am at home I put about 100 hours a week in my truck. So I am not home much. I do a lot of my pages and business with my laptop at  Flying J truck stops. They have high speed wireless.

  I do some light flirting with the drivers. It don't hurt to flirt. Especially when it gets you a free meal. But there are NO strings attached. I am not that kind of girl. (Well I am, but not for just a freaking meal). Besides. I don't think my Hubby would let me. Unless there was a New truck in the deal somewhere.

 
Men

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to use it.

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
A. They stay stuck in adolescence.

Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God's gift?
A. Exchange him.


One Smart Blonde
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Smart Bitch
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends."

The man replied, " I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

ODUMB     ASS!!!O
Fishing Trip 
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

  "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."


10 TRUTHS BLACK AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
6. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
7. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
8. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
9. Kissing your pet is not cute.
10. Rap music is here to stay.
>=================================================
10 THINGS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW BUT LATIN PEOPLE DON'T ADMIT:
1. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
2. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies ...
3. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
4. Hickey's are unattractive.
5.Jaun and Jose can't possibly be the  name of every person in
your family.
6. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion
statement.
7. 10 people to a car or home is considered too many.
8. Jesus is not a name for your son.
9. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store can get your BUTT whooped (or theirs).
=====================================
10 TRUTHS WHITE AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Tupac is dead.
2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
4. O.J. did it
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. RED is not a kool-aid flavor (it's a color).
9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Your pastor doesn't know everything. (ut ohh!!)

Dirty Pictures: The site your mother warned you about.
New Words for 2006

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

New entries for the Oxford English Dictionary 200

GOING FOR A McCRAP - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bathroom. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McCrap with Lies.
AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the bar, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.
SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Sent in by Don.

Official Announcement

Subject: 
New Government Seal

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM.

It more accurately
reflects the Government's political stance.

  A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being

SCREWED.

 
A NEW WAY TO CAR JACK

Please be careful everyone.
Especially since Christmas shopping
season is soon approaching!  
You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside. You
start the engine and shift into Reverse . When you look into the
rearview mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into Park, unlock your doors and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is blocking your view.
When you reach the back of your car, that is when the car jackers
appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They
practically mow you down as they speed off in your car.
And guess what, I bet your purse is still in the car.
So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised!
BEWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED.

If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just drive away, remove the paper later. 
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IF you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill ... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a
bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy
they've got it!
But now that...I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter.....with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and messed it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang,you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your  bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked !  Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! .... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up ....we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire . imagine that!
If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
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Don't Press
the
Big Red Dot
Gator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"